Who's for a crossover?

What better way to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Felney than by presenting an abandoned story I made in 2002? Well, it was probably going to put in an appearance eventually, so why not today?

In 1998, ely.org.uk hosted a paywalled "online soap" called Cauliflower Drove. Heady stuff for the time! It was a lengthy detective story, published in small installments, using swiped and edited images (with celebrites as the unknowing "cast"!). By the time I was making Felney, it was available for free. Being the brattish, twattish Anarchist I was at the time, I considered Cauliflower Drove, with it's "positive attitude towards The Fens" to be Felney's "enemy". In late 2001, there was a blurb for the upcoming Cauliflower Drove 2, which I promptly swiped and parodied.

As far as I know, Cauliflower Drove 2 never actually emerged. But Felney 2...sort of did! Well, I wrote a rather silly beginning, but ran out of ideas and abandoned it. Anyway, for the 25th anniversary I decided to digital archaeology it up and repost it. As is usual, I've done a bit of tidying up for readability, but otherwise it's exactly the same crap as it was back then.

Also, it turns out I gave Harry and Annie, Mike's sometimes-seen friends from London (and sort-of characters in the original Anarchy Doom), surnames! I totally forgot! One for Storyinfo...

But first: The Trailer!

Coming Up in January 2002: Felney 2 - a slow moving tale of murder, bazookas, cheap french petrol bombs, dead football players, smashing plates over yaxley farcetts head and Yaxley Farcett's traditional fenland "Aah I'm on fire" dance. Could be any of these because I haven't started writing it yet.

Yup, Yaxley's back. Three years after he succesfully failed to bring Reg Dixon's killer to justice, he returns in a boring story that will keep you on the edge of your sanity. Eight lucky people from nowhere have won a free holiday to france after losing miserably the Best Kept Village Sign Competition for the fifth year in succession. Yaxley, Mike, Aaron and the gang are off to Paris for a fortnight of industrial sabotage, masturbation, porn movie watching and er..er..Bungee hanging. Sit back, enjoy a complimentary dose of e-coli and get stuck into a holiday story that will keep you bored to death during the winter months. The plot of felney 2 will be so stupid as to make War and Peace look like a hastily scribbled note on the back of a fag packet.

On line NEVERy tuesday in 2002 - don't bookmark it now.

The Original Intro...

This is part one of Felney 2,im not that proud of it and think the writing is crappy,but then im really really tired right now,i'll maybe fix it up when i get the time ^-^ ooh well,enjoy!

Disclaimer-This is a mere "Fan" fiction of Cauliflower DSrove (www.collydrove.com ) and is in no way intended to be ripping thier ideas off..well if they sue me i'll just mention all those pictures of unconsenting people they used in thier story which im sure the court will be interested in...

FELNEY 2

"Water rates" Mike Smith muttered as he went through a pile of mail. "Phone bill" he said, turning that one over. "You may already have won £10,000 letter..." He stopped for a moment, then took the letter over to a dart board on the kitchen door at the back of his house, pulled out one dart and impaled the top of the letter onto the board, the other two darts left there for anyone to pick up and throw at it.

He went back to the pile of letters and looked at the next one "Urgent notice from your local council" he read.

Sighing, he opened it, expecting something like inter-racial relationships have been banned from the village. Glancing at it he found it was a bit more interesting than that...

To the reciever:

Signed, your local Conservative dictator, Malcom Foss.

"Sounds interesting" came a voice from behind Mike.

He turned around to see Tina, one of his best friends, who lived in his house with him. She was 20 years old, with not-too-bright red-dyed hair, and wore a tatty but snuggly black tracksuit.

Mike, along with most other men, found Tina stunningly beautiful, unfortunatley for them, she was a lesbian with no interest in men whatsoever.

"Yeah" said Mike, "Now lets see if we can get 8 people together".

"Well" said Tina "There's me, you, Aaron... I suppose Vinny and Ann could also come along... that only leaves 3 more spaces"

"Well, let's just see if anyone else will fill those in first" said Mike, looking for a phone number on the letter.

Sadie johnson, the secretary to Malcom Foss, MP, looked over the applications for the holiday prize. As she was expecting, the left-wing poofters from Pork Lane had signed up, along with a couple of unfamiliar names, who she was sure were another bunch of idiotic anti-capitalists who wanted to murder the queen or whatever.

Another person who had signed up was more prestigous: Yaxley Farcett. He was something of a local hero; a detective from Yorkshire, who had managed to solve a strange murder case in The Fens a few years back. She was sure he'd have a GREAT time with those left-wing liberals and weirdos.

There were still two places remaining, she would have to ring Yaxley Farcett and the left-wing socialists back and tell them. But first, she would have to contact Malcom Foss and tell him the damned left-wing Anarchists (and Yaxley Farcett) had signed up. She did so straight away, loving her job and loving her services to the all-powerful Conservative Party. Who existed to destroy all those left-wing homosexual anarcho-socialio-terrorists of course.

"Hello" said Mike, to whoever was on the other end of the phone

"Hello mister terror-um-Smith, this is the office of Malcom Foss, your wonderful local MP" said a bitchy sounding woman on the other end. "Just to let you know, there are still two free places on the trip available"

Mike thought of people he could possibly invite along, two names stuck in his mind- Harry and Annie, old friends of his.

"Okay,i know who to bring" he said.

"Well, that's all the positions filled! We'll see you on Wednesday, mister Trotsky... urm... Smith" said the woman, slamming the phone down before Mike could say anything else. He imagined her frantically spraying disinfectant down the earpiece, and he wasnt far from the truth.

Malcom Foss waited around outside the Felney Village Hall for the lucky winners to arrive. It was a warm mid-April Wednesday morning, the sort of weather where you can get away with wearing anything you like. Malcolm was n a dark blue suit, with a light blue tie, and wore his best ingratiating smile. Every time he was forced to mix with the lower orders, he unconsciously canvassed for votes - even when there was no election coming up. It was of no importance, anyway. Felney was one of the safest Tory seats in the country.

The first person to show up was the local hero, Yaxley Farcett., a man in his forties wearing a tatty brown leather jacket and a Bradford City T-shirt, his messy dark blonde hair coming out the back of an even more tattered baseball cap.

As Malcom gave the ticket to Yaxley, a rusty green Pegeout 305 came round the corner and stopped across the middle of the car park, the trail of nasty blue smoke it had been leaving followed close behind. Out got a man who was very slim looking, with long, very dark brown hair in a ponytail. He wore a black T-shirt with the Anarchists' encircled 'A' symbol on, and some tatty old jeans.

"Here you go.." Malcom started.

"Mike smith" said the man back, grabbing his ticket and a bundle of others "Aaron Anderson, Tina Wright, Vincent Jones, Ann Morgan, Harry Swift and Annie Stevenson...thanks" said Mike, immediateley turning back, getting in his car and badly reversing out of the car park, then screeching off down the street.

"Dont hang around, do they?" Malcom said to Yaxley, only to discover he had vanished as well.

"Stupid village" said Mike "They cant just send you the tickets all anoymous-like, you have to go and get them from the local KKK member" he moaned to the man sitting next to him.

his name was Aaron Anderson, he was 25,the same age as Mike, but much more muscular and healthy-looking. He had had short black hair, gelled and combed to perfection, and wore a white sleeveless shirt and black trousers. Not quite a walking gay stereotype, but close. "Yeah, well... It's a free holiday, so who's complaining?" said Aaron, concentrating more on the Saturday night movie, Cruising, on the telly.

"Ugh..all these blokes are ugly!" said aaron, pointing out two bearded old gits dressed as a policeman and a convict gently making love, the camera cutting off just before it reached the business end.

"Yeah" agreed Mike, though he, being straight couldnt see the attraction in any men, but he certianly knew Aaron and his boyfriend, Vincent, looked a lot better than anyone in this movie... apart from Sylvester Stallone's character's wife, who he could tell Tina liked.

"Anyway" said mike, keen to not think about gay sex too much. "We'll be going on the 20th..."

"I know that already!" said Tina "But do Vinny and Ann yet?"

"Yeah,I told them" said Mike... I better still see if Harry and Annie want to come along..."

Harry Swift walked into his 23rd-storey london flat and pressed the button on his answering machine. The first recording was from Mike, his friend from back home, who had not yet managed to escape the Fens.

"Hey Harry, we've won this free trip to Paris, and I wonder if you two wanna come along?" was the short message that had been left.

Harry thought about it for all of 5 seconds then rang back and left the even shorter message of "Alright then"

Yaxley Farcett looked around at the assembled people waiting for the bus. There was Mike, Aaron and Tina, who he already knew about, Vincent,a man with shoulder-length light brown hair, wearing a decidedly-normal looking outfit of a green t-shirt and whitish-green cargo pants. Vinny had a nice, almost feminine look to him and wore rounded glasses.

There was also Ann, who had short, bright blue hair and wore a white t-shirt and some trendy looking jeans, her arm around tina's waist confirmed Yaxley's suspicions that they were an item.

Then there was another man and woman he had never seen before. Harry, a man who looked awfully like Mike, only with blonde hair instead of brown and a more muscle-bound "bigger" look to him, and Annie, a tall woman with long light-blonde hair,wearing a blue sweater and a short black skirt.

A few villagers had came to see the lucky winners off, and even more were intently watching out of thier windows with binoculars, a few of the more "modern" ones had rigged up TV cameras to do thier snooping for them. The ancient Fenland practice of 'Curtian twitching' was dying out, unfortunatley a more sinister practice of 'CCTV survailence' was taking over.

A big luxury coach came driving down the main street and stopped at the bus stop. The eight people began to pile on board a 53-seater coach. Mike, Harry, Vincent and Annie, being Anarchists,where impressed by the Conservative party's power to use taxpayers money for the benefit of all the people, and not a priviliged few, of course...